Crazy English
I received a business memo the other day inviting me to the company’s annual Christmas dinner. The invitation assured that the meat and table service would be provided, but employees were asked to bring a side dish or a . . . desert. Hmm. I have some red sand upstairs in the craft box. Maybe I could mix it with sugar and sprinkle it on top of a yellow cake.
I don’t blame my boss for his mistake. English can be such a ridiculous language sometimes. Many generations of students have cried over all the silly rhymes they must learn to remember all the exceptions to the rules. And spelling? Let’s just not even go in to that.
Sometimes it’s better to laugh instead of cry when not even spell check will catch all the mistakes because it’s technically spelled right even when it’s not the right word. I ran across these “Reasons Why the English Language is Hard to Learn” today. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I was proven right that I had the right of way.
It gets even worse. Take these examples for example:
There is no egg in eggplant.
There is no ham in hamburger.
There is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand can work slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
How can you ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
You can make amends but not one amend.
Your house can burn up as it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out.
An alarm goes off by going on.
English truly reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
After all that, I’m more thankful than ever that God promises not even one verse of His word will ever change or pass away!
“The grass withers and the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.”